


Partners in crime

by Zoya113



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: An excuse for me to play w dynamics, F/F, F/M, I’ve been trying to upload this for a whole day ugh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22283800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113
Summary: A collection of oneshots for the mishaps of Hatchetfield citizens and their coworkers
Relationships: Deb/ Alice, Emma Perkins/Paul Matthews, Mr Davidson/ Carol
Comments: 2
Kudos: 54





	1. Hatchetfield PD reporting for duty

“This the address?” Sam huffed, looking out the car window to try and locate the source of the report. 

“Yup,” Doug nodded. “Three teens in suspect.”

“God,” Rob sighed. “This’ll be difficult. They always want to argue about the politics of right and wrong.”

“Yeah, ‘Caus we’re cops. Just listen to us, am I right?” He flicked the sirens off, unbuckling his belt to step out. “Yeah. I can see ‘em. They’re right over here,” he beckoned his partners out of the squad car. 

“Hey, what’s going on over here?” He put on an authoritative voice as Doug and Rob strode up behind him, hands on their hips. 

There was a panicked yet amused scuffle of voices amongst the silhouettes of the teens in the dark in the abandoned lot yet no reply. 

“Alright, what’s the deal?” Doug took the lead. They walked with wide steps, swinging their shoulders. “Oh, you three.” Their boots crunched the snow as they walked.

“Ah,” Sam pulled out his flash light, shining it across the empty parking lot. The light sparkled across the crushed up snow on the asphalt. “You three, Deborah, Daniel, Sofia. What are you doing out this late? It’s nearly three, do your parents know what you’re up to out here?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Dan snorted. 

“Yeah!” Deb chimed in. “And don’t call me Deborah. Samuel, Robert and Doug-Doug...” she paused, turning to Sof. “What’s Doug short for?” 

“I’m not telling you that,” Doug’s nose scrunched up and they nodded their head at the exit. “Get on home or we’ll escort you.” 

“Yeah,” Rob strode up besides Doug, swinging his shoulders harder like he was mocking the way they had walked, which was already a joke in the first place. “What are you even up to this late? We’ve got noise complaints all across the block.”

Sof, who had been the most compliant so far, held up a trash can lid. 

Sam’s hand shot to his taser just in case this was an attack. 

“Woah, asshole! She wasn’t going to hit you!” Deb darted in front of Sof. “We we’re sliding them down the hill! That’s all! We can only do it at night because no ones driving.”

“Yeah, we aren’t pissing off the traffic. We’ll be quiet, get off our backs, officers.” Danny crossed his arms and tried to stand up to Rob’s height. 

“Yeah, we’ll leave it alone. Don’t tell our parents, we’re just kids,” Sof put in, standing on her toes to try and seem taller too.

“Man, seriously. My parents will not leave me alone ever again if they find out about this, I’ll be grounded until college,” Deb grumbled, packing back across the snow on the road as if she needed to cool off.

“You’re sledding?” Sam asked, shooting a look at his crew. “At 3am?”

Doug and Rob marched back to Sam in time as if they were about to make a very important decision regarding the teenager’s punishments. But they all knew what was really going on. 

“I mean,” Rob broke the silence first. 

“They are right. They aren’t disturbing traffic flow. No one is getting hurt,” Doug confirmed. 

Sam put his hands on his partner’s backs to bring in the huddle. “So you guys are thinking what I’m thinking?”

They both nodded firmly before breaking the huddle apart. 

“Alright, kids,” Sam put his thumbs in his pockets, taking comically wide strides forward just because if they were competing on strides, then it was competition he had to win. “We won’t tell your parents.”

“Oh! Thank you, man! Thank god!” Deb clapped her hand to her forehead, exhaling. Her breath clouded out in front of her in the cold. 

“On one condition. We do have to test if these really are safe. Official business.”

By the looks on the teen’s faces as the cops snatched up the silver trash can lids they were starting to think it would’ve been better to just take a lecture from their parents. Although Deb in particular had a feeling the cops were going to do this regardless of what the teens decided on. 

“Ready?” Sam asked, dropping the lid down top of the hill.

“One step ahead of you, Sam,” came Rob’s voice from the dark next to him, he was already sitting down. “You’re getting slow.” 

“We’ll see who’s slow when I beat you to the bottom of the hill,” Sam rubbed his hands together. Sam got down on his plate, turning his flash light off and tucking it into his belt. “You’re gonna eat my fucking dust, Rob.” He prepared himself to set off. “You too, Doug. I hear you being quiet over there. Don’t think that means you’re off the hook.”

“Boss, I’m going to fucking demolish you two.”

Deb was the only one who found it entertaining it seemed as she counted them down from three. “Go!”

The cops pushed off, the metal lids slicing across the snow with a steel sound as the three pelted down the hill with excitable howls and shouts. 

Sam shifted his weight to the left to try and crash into Rob but he tilted too far and lost his balance, tumbling off his makeshift sled and rolling onto the snow with a grunt. Rob crashed into him, his lid flying out from under him as he piled on top of his boss. 

“Ugh, Rob! Be more careful, man!” He got up, shaking snow from his long hair and snatching up his cap and his glasses to go and find where his lid rolled off to. 

“Hey! That mine!” Rob shouted, barreling into his boss’s back to steal the lid from him and toss it to the floor, jumping onto it to ride down the hill on his chest.

Sam lost the lid, he was going to run instead. Doug was far ahead of the both of them now. He could see them flitting in and out of the light of the lampposts before grabbing onto the base to use it to swing themself around and speed up their descent down the hill, Rob following shortly after.

“Hey! That’s cheating!” He took off on foot after them, raking down the hill shoulders forward to stop himself slipping on the melted snow. 

Doug skidded past the imaginary finish line with a triumphant cheer, pumping their fist into the air. Their cheer was cut short as Rob collided into them as his lid screeched across the road, sending them both spiralling to the ground. 

Sam lost them somewhere in the dark, and tripped over the both of them as he got to the bottom of the hill. 

“Aw fuck, Sam!” Doug panted as they rolled Sam off their legs. “You’re blind man!” 

“It’s 3 in the morning, Doug!” He retorted.

“Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t stop once you finish the race!” Rob added. “Look, you’ve scraped up my arm. I’m gonna need bandages.”

“Pussy.” Doug elbowed him as they sat up. “You two are just on my dick because I smashed you guys in that race. I won.”

“You did not win. That lamp post move was cheating,” Sam snapped.

“Strategy!” Doug corrected, standing up and brushing crystals of snow off their uniform. “Damn, it’s cold.” They pulled a tangle out of their long hair. 

“Yeah, see. I’m the real winner because I wear the right clothes,” he pulled at the lapels of his leather jacket and Rob retaliated by shoving him. 

“Oh, shit!” Doug hissed. “Here come the kids,” they brushed down Rob’s uniform for him.

“So, officers,” Deb called, her voice echoey in the cold night as she and her gang carefully made their way down. “Was it officially safe enough?” 

“No, I hurt myself,” Rob winced.

Doug pushed him to get him to shut up, adjusting their glasses and their cap to try and seem professional. “Yes, kids.”

“Ah, no. Actually,” Sam put his thumbs in his belt. “There’s potholes. Lots of places for you guys to trip and hurt yourself if you aren’t being careful. That’s why I fell, because of potholes.”

“Oh yeah, Officer?” Danny snorted. 

Sam flushed, adjusting his glasses so they couldn’t see his red face in the lamp light. There were no potholes. “Yeah. So, you three better scram. Get yourselves home and we’ll leave your parents out of it,” he nodded his head towards the road to get them moving. 

Deb looked like she was trying not to laugh. “Yes, thank you officer. We will.” The second she turned away she began to laugh.

“Have a good night, officers!” Sof called out teasingly as the three of them raced off down the road. 

“Hey,” Sam jogged across the road to catch Deb before she could run away. “You don’t want me telling your parents, do you?” 

She shook her head. “No, officer. I wasn’t laughing at you, I was just-“

“Well I won’t. On the one condition you do not tell your little girlfriend about this. Because she’ll tell her dad, and her dad will tell my wife. Capeesh?” He hunched down to Deb’s height. 

“Oh of course, Officer. Your fall is between you and me,” She snickered, elbowing him playfully before running off to join her friends.

The cops stood there in silence for a moment, listening to the laughs of the teenagers fade into the night. 

Rob leant over to snatch his lid off the ground. “Well.”

The radio on Doug’s shoulder crackled and they held it to their ear for a moment to listen in. 

“New case?”

“Nope. A different squad is on their way to check it out right now.” 

So there were no jobs to attend to right now. Nothing to do for the next half an hour. 

Rob was standing there with his lid still in his hands, and Doug was using their lid to shovel snow off the path in the mean time.   
“So...?” 

Sam tilted his sunglasses down to catch his teammates eyes. “You guys wanna rematch?”


	2. An important client

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr Davidson has an important client coming in, and some important instructions for Melissa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was clearly based off an episode of the office & u can tell

Melissa was sketching in the corners of her notepad when the phone rang at her desk. She put down her pencil to pick up the receiver.

“Melissa, hey.” It was Mr Davidson. “Hey, look over this way,” there was a tapping on the window of his office and she glanced over to see him looking at her through the blinds. 

“Uh, what’s- what’s up man?” She hunched her shoulders, holding the phone closer to her ear. 

“In T minus one minute, a very important client is going to walk through the door,” he tapped his finger on the glass to gesture at the front entrance. 

Melissa looked over to see if she could spot them. “Cool. Do you want me to send you to their office?” 

“Melissa. Listen. This is important business. They’re a big client. I need you to do your best job at getting them to the conference room.”

She nodded, giving him a thumbs up to assure him she would. “That’s my job, Mr Davidson. No problem.” 

But he still looked grim. “No. Listen to me. Here’s the plan, okay? Five minutes in. You walk into the meeting. Tell me there’s an important client on the phone. I’ll tell you to tell him he can wait. You tell me he’s really big, really important, really- Melissa, pay attention!” 

Melissa nodded, startling for a second when she remembered Mr Davidson was watching her through his window and could see her looking away from the door for even a split second. “Yes, I’m listening! This sounds very important! But wait, what phone call?”

“You just make one up, Melissa. There’s no real phone call.”

“Oh so I just make it up because you don’t need to answer it? Like, I could be anyone?”

“Yes. Exactly. Because you aren’t going to make a real phone call. It’s fake. Imaginary. Okay. So you tell me he’s a massive client.” 

“Got it.”

“I tell you no, I’ve got a very important client with me right now. Then he goes wow, I’m so valued here, I’ll have to sign with him. Boom, we win the client,” he explained it like he was breaking it down to a child.

Melissa nodded firmly. “You can count on me, sir. Good business strategy.” She hung up the phone, giving him a serious thumbs up which he returned, just as seriously. 

The second his face vanished from the blinds a man approached her desk. 

“Oh hello, sir! How are you today?”

“I’m good, thanks. I’m here to see Mr Davidson?” 

“Oh, so happy to hear that! Of course, sir,” she stood up, dipping her head in what was almost a bow. “I will deliver you right to the conference room, I won’t keep you waiting.” She guided him confidently over to the conference room, keeping her back straight and bringing her clipboard along with her just for the extra touch of professionalism. “Here you are sir,” she held open the door for him, giving him a proper bow before shutting it. 

Mr Davidson was already seated, taking it from there. He gave Melissa a subtle smile for her good work. 

Then, after five minutes as she was told, she returned to the office, knocking politely before entering. “I’m so sorry to interrupt you two gentlemen-“

“As you should be, Melissa. Can’t you see I’m with someone very important right now?” Mr Davidson crossed his arms and pretended to glare.

“Oh, no. It’s okay, go ahead,” the client rolled his office chair in so Melissa could pass. She stood behind Mr Davidson. “You’ve got an important phone call on line 1,” she handed him down a sticky note. There was nothing on the piece of paper aside from a messy drawing of Kirby and a smiley face.

“Well Melissa, tell them they can wait. I’ve got a much more important conversation happening right now with this lovely gentleman.”

“Oh, but Mr Davidson. It’s a very important call,” she nodded, pointing at the sticky note like it had genuine information on it. 

Mr Davidson spun in his chair so the client couldn’t see his face and gave Melissa a wink for her good work, raising his eyebrows as if to tell her to bump it up a bit more. “Well, this gentleman right here is my first priority.” 

“Mr Davidson, I don’t think you get how critical this is.”

“I think you should take it,” the client insisted. “It sounds important.” 

“No, no, no, I-“

“Mr Davidson your wife is dead,” Melissa accidentally blurted out. “It’s the police.” 

Mr Davidson exhaled, turning back around in his chair to face the client, entirely nonplussed. 

“Oh, oh my god,” the client gasped. “I’m so sorry. Should I-?” He pointed at the door, standing up from his chair.

Mr Davidson let out a shaky, frustrated breath. “Sorry, will you excuse us for a moment?”

“Of course, take all the time you need, go ahead. I’m so sorry,” he pressed a sincere hand to his heart. 

Mr Davidson winced as he gave a gracious smile, grabbing Melissa by the wrist to drag her out of there. He shut the door quietly, walking in absolute silence and he dragged Melissa in to his office. That was when he slammed the door.   
“Melissa,” he began as if remaining calm was truly testing his limits, his fists were shaking as he rested them on his table. “My wife?” 

“She’s not actually dead,” she clarified. “You told me to make up something important.” 

“Wow.” Knowing Carol was actually fine and safe seemed to be what broke the barrier of his frustration. “Melissa!” He slammed his fists on the desks. “I meant an important client!” 

“Well, you did not make that very clear,” she clasped her hands together, her foot scuffing the floor anxiously. 

He massages his forehead. “You couldn’t have just told me it was our Pinebrook client? You had to tell us my wife was dead?” 

“I had it all planned out,” Melissa assured him. “She was struck by a bus crossing the road and she died on impact at 2:13 and was announced dead at the scene. You should have just played along with it.” 

“My wife! Melissa!” He snapped. “Are you hearing yourself? For all I care you could’ve said it was, I don’t know, that little-“ he held up the sticky note in his hand. “This guy! You could’ve said he was on the phone! Who is this, Pikachu?” 

“Mr Davidson, with all due respect,” she cleared her throat before slamming her hands down on the table just like her boss hand, rattling the room. “That is Kirby!” She shouted. 

He gave a warning growl and reached across the table to grab her wrists, leaning in. “Now how are we going to get out of this?” 

“Okay. Okay. Don’t panic,” Melissa took in a deep breath. “You go back in there, I’ll come tell you her last words recorded by the doctor were that she hopes her husband can get the best deal with his new client. Boom, motive.” 

“No! No, I am not playing along with this ‘Carol is dead’ story!”

Melissa rolled her eyes. What a coward. If he didn’t want her making up this story he should have been more clean. “Fine. New story. I’ll tell you she’s been revived in hospital. We’ll change the plot- she wasn’t hit by a bus, she drowned. She was successfully resuscitated by the doctors. She’s fine and on the steady path to recovery.” 

Mr Davidson shut his eyes and bit right down on his lip. “Alright, Melissa. Just-“ he let out a bothered snarl, snatching up her wrist to yank her back to the conference room. “Good news! It’s okay, she was resuscitated at the hospital. She’s in recovery already. No need to worry anymore. I’m so relieved. Now,” he took a seat again.

“Oh, I’m so happy to hear that for you. You must be just overjoyed,” the client patted his knee. 

“Yes. I’m just blown away by the miracles of modern medicine,” he assured the client. “Truly, what a miracle. Now we can continue this meeting,” he shot a grimace at Melissa, “without any further issues.” 

Melissa gave him a thumbs up, clenching her teeth. “Got it, Mr Davidson. I’ll hold the rest of your calls.”


	3. We’re closed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Zoey take care of one of Nora’s problems

“Hi, can I help you?” Emma smiled at the customer strolling in. 

She knew the sort of guy: unshaven, poorly dressed, completely open about where there eyes were looking when the barista’s were talking. They would come in at unusual times and order the cheapest thing on the menu and then sit where they could watch. They weren’t really customers, they were just perverts.

The man came in around 11:30 after the morning rush had died down, scratching his head as he looked at Emma. “Uhh,” he began to drawl as if he hadn’t practiced what he was going to say. “What-what happened to Nora?” 

Emma paused. Maybe he want a creep, he seemed to be on a first name basis. “Uh, she’s out the back I think. What can I get for you?”

“Can you get her for me?” He requested. 

Odd ask, but she brushed it off. Paul commonly asked Nora if Emma could make his drink for him if she was out instead. Maybe this was just her friend.   
“Sure. Give me a sec.” She put her cleaning towel down to head to the back room. “Hey Nora, some one wants to talk to you,” she called out.

Zoey raised an eyebrow, putting her lunch down. “Who is it?” 

Nora stood up. “Emma, what have you done now?” She sighed. 

Emma shook her hands. “No, no, I didn’t fuck anything up, it’s a guy here to see you. He asked for you specifically. Some guy. About your heigh, shitty beard. He asked to see you.”

“Oh shit, did you tell him I was here?” Nora pursed her lips shut.

Emma nodded. “Why?” 

Zoey groaned, pulling at her hair. “Ugh, dumbass! That’s Aaron. God. He’s such a creep. He’s been harassing Nora all week! He’s such a stalker!” 

Nora’s face hardened and she began to tap her foot. “Girls, it’s alright. Don’t start fighting. It’s fine.”

“Oh,” Emma’s hands, stuffed into her pocket, began to ball up into fists. “I’ll tell him you’re out right now.”

She shook her head, crossing over to put on her apron. “It’s alright. If you tell him I’m out he’ll sit there and wait for me to get in. He’s a pain, but he’ll go once I give him some coffee.” 

Zoey stood up to follow Nora across the room, hands on her hips. “I can call Sam for you! He’ll get him to leave you alone!” 

“He hasn’t done anything wrong, Zoey. You can’t just call the police on people you don’t like.” But there was a heaviness to her movements as she tied up her apron like she was dreading going out there. 

Emma gritted her teeth. “Nora. I think you should let me do this.” She knew exactly how to handle a stalker, she’d been there. 

Nora seemed to melt at her words, but she didn’t show it. “Thank you, Emma. But it’s alright. I think you’d just cause more trouble.”

“Then I’ll supervise her!” Zoey’s hand shot up. “I’m the manager, you can trust me, right?” 

Nora’s eyes widened with uncertainty. 

“It’s okay, we’ll handle it very professionally,” Zoey promised.

Nora looked like she was trying not to smile too hard. “Thank you, girls. I really appreciate that. Just don’t make a big deal out of it, please?”

Neither Zoey or Emma were quick to agree. 

“Promise?”

“Alright Nora, we promise.” 

She clicked her tongue and gave them both a pat on the shoulder. “You can try, but he’s persistent. Good luck.”

Emma and Zoey exchanged a mutual glance. They were going to make a big deal out of it. 

The man was still standing there, looking Emma and Zoey up and down because neither of them were Nora who he had specifically requested.

“Uh, what about Nora?” He tried to crane his neck to see past them. “Where’s she?” 

“Sorry. Nora can’t get to you right now,” Zoey began. “She’s not here.” 

“But I can see her right the-“ 

“You can’t talk to her,” Emma interrupted. 

“What? Why not? Why?” He seemed a little frantic at being turned down. “I’ll just wait until she’s free.” 

“No, you won’t be doing that sir. Unfortunately we’re going to have to ask you to leave,” Zoey sighed, gesturing politely to the door. 

“Why can’t Nora come out?” He asked, his hands pressing down to the table and beginning to thump. 

Emma swatted his hands off the table. “You can’t talk to Nora right now, she recently passed away.”

“But-“

“Yep,” Zoey confirmed. “Nora died, and you aren’t allowed here anymore.” 

“Yeah, good bye sir,” Emma shrugged her shoulders like there was honestly nothing she could do about it. 

“But my coffee!”

“Unfortunately we’re all out of coffee right now, mister. You’ll have to leave.” 

He grumbled, crossing his arms. “I’ll take a pastry then. I know you guys are lying. She’s in the back room, just tell her I’m here and she’ll come out!” 

Wow. He really was persistent. Emma looked up at Zoey who nodded. “We’re closed,” the both of them informed him. 

“Yeah, Sorry. We’re shut. You’ve got to go,” Zoey put on a very genuine frown.

The man scowled and turned around, pulling out a seat at the counter. “She’s in there! You guys are just trying to stop me from seeing her! You can’t kick me out! You’re open!” 

Emma cracked her knuckles, stepping out from behind the counter and following the man to his seat. “Buddy,” she kept her voice down low to a growl. “You can’t talk to Nora right now. She doesn’t want to see you. She died.” 

“She didn’t die! Why do you keep saying that? I was talking to her yesterday.” 

“Nora is dead,” Emma made sure to pin him with her threatening glare, warning him that if he didn’t scram right now he would be much the same. “So you’ve got to hightail it out of here before we call the cops. Got it?” She prodded him in the chest. 

He gulped, and Emma could see him considering every option in his head, growing paler and paler by the second until he nodded and tried to stand. 

“Good bye sir, have a nice day!” Zoey waved him out, already holding open the door. 

And just in case he was hesitant, Emma made sure to chase him to the door to scare him off. 

“You’re feral sometimes, Em,” Zoey noted. “But you did a good job.” 

Emma wasn’t taking any risks with any sort of stalker. They all needed to get what was coming to them. “It was team work. You kept a straight face that whole time, I’m impressed. You must’ve fucking killed it in Godspell.” 

“Oh I did. You wanna see the cast recording sometime?” She offered.

“Eh,” Emma considered it. “Maybe.” 

“You did pretty great yourself, Em,” Zoey untied her apron again, technically still on break as she moseyed back to the break room.

Emma rolled her eyes, sticking out her tongue. “Ugh. Don’t get me started.”

“No! You did really great Em! Scared the life out of him it looks, I don’t think he’s coming back!” 

“Aren’t you supposed to be on break or something? Go eat your lunch, man. Get out of here,” she shooed Zoey away, closing the break room door to leave her manager to explain how things went down to her boss. 

She picked up her rag to keep on cleaning, wiping down the table where the man had put his gross hands down. 

“Emma,” came Nora’s stern voice as she stepped out from the breakroom. “I’m dead?” She questioned. 

“Well I mean, it worked, didn’t it?” Zoey added, stepping out behind her. 

“You two are going to be the death of me one day. Get back to work, Zoey.” But despite her words Nora still gave both her workers a quick pat on the back before vanishing to the back room.


	4. Bill, you’re a dumbass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill liked the new cats movie. Ted did not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for cats 2019?? Okay controversial but I enjoyed it and I have seen it four times

“Bill. You’re a fucking idiot, do you know that?” Ted glared at his co worker. “Cats 2019 was the biggest shit show on the planet.” He leant across the desk because Bill wasn’t paying any attention to him. It was very important to Ted that Bill knew how shit cats 2019 was. 

“Hey, I’m just trying to work, Ted, do you mind?” He tucked his chair in to focus on his computer.

“I’m not leaving until you admit that the new cats movie was a nightmare.”

“I just didn’t hate it all that much, Ted! I’m sorry, I thought it was harmless. Sure it wasn’t as good as the original musical but I enjoyed it!” Bill frowned, “you sound just like Alice.” 

“Oh, so your kid doesn’t like it either. You should listen to reason, Bill. The CGI was making my eyes bleed!” He slapped his hands to his face with a groan. 

Bill sighed, trying to concentrate, but realising Ted was not leaving any time soon. “The CGI wasn’t bad, the designs were just... unfortunate.”

“The cats had human feet! Bill!” 

“You’re making a big deal out of it. What does it really matter if I enjoyed it?” 

“Yes! And you know what? I’m going to prove it. I’m going to go ask everyone else what they think. Right now it’s me and Alice against you.” 

“Well her girlfriend liked it too,” Bill pouted. “She was laughing the whole time.”

“Probably at the sheer look of horror on Alice’s face. But whatever. I wasn’t there, so I’ll give you that point. But I’m going to rub this in your face, man. Cats 2019 was a nightmare.” 

Bill just rolled his eyes, leaning in to his computer screen so Ted knew he wasn’t paying attention to him. 

Ted rolled his eyes right back at him before storming out of the IT room to get the boss’s opinion on this. He knocked on his office door, leaning in when he was called. 

“Hey Ted,” Melissa was sitting across from Mr Davidson taking notes for him as he working. “What’s up? We’re in the middle of something.” 

“Well it’s an important question,” he cleared his throat. “Mr Davidson, what did you think of the cats movie?” 

He snorted, “Well it was quite a treat, Ted!” He grinned. “I loved it! That tap dancing cat was the most talented man I’ve ever seen.” 

“Wait, huh?” Melissa put her pen down, her eyes flitting between her boss and her co worker, wide and shocked. “You like the movie, Mr Davidson?” 

“Yeah, see? Melissa knows what’s up,” Ted leant against the doorway because Melissa didn’t quite seem like she was done talking. 

“The implications are terrible, Mr Davidson! Primarily! All the cats have human feet, but Victoria couldn’t have done that ballet without ballet shoes!” She jabbed a finger onto the table. “That means her human feet were CGI’d back on!” 

“Ooooh,” Ted didn’t like that. It was verbal whiplash. He winced when Mr Davidson’s expression didn’t change. 

“So what?” 

“That’s terrifying! Why couldn’t she just put on ballet shoes? You can fully see Skimbleshanks tying on his tap shoes in the background! That is not alright!” Melissa waved out her hands. “And cats just don’t look like that!” 

“Well it’s an art style, Melissa! What was so bad about it?”

“Everything!” Ted answered for her. “Thank you, Melissa. You were a real help. But not you, Mr Davidson.” 

His boss’s jaw dropped as Ted shut the office door, and as he walked away he could hear them arguing passionately about the politics of Jellicle cats. 

“Yikes.”

“Hey, what’s up?” Paul was rounding the corner on his phone, raising an eyebrow at all the shouting from Melissa about how ‘Rum Tum Tugger was infantilised’ and ‘robbed of his raw sexual energy’ in the remake. 

“Hey, who’re you on the phone to?” Paul didn’t care about cats. He didn’t like musicals. 

“Uh Emma, I’m-“ 

“Hand it here,” he snatched the phone from his ear. “Hey, Emma?” 

“Ted? What do you want? I’m trying to run Paul’s order through, I’m not here to chat,” she sounded busy, and he could here the clinking of cups and buzzing of machines. 

“Which was better? The musical or the 2019 movie?” 

“Are you serious? You mean Cats? That isn’t even a question. The movie was shit. I get nightmares thinking about the way they look.” 

“Great. I’m trying to prove a point to Bill. Can you ask your co workers for me?” He requested.

There was silence on the other end that he was certain meant she was rolling her eyes, yet complying. He heard a mumbling on the other end followed by a higher voice that definitely belonged to Zoey.  
“Zoey says it was shit too. Happy?” 

“Yes, but can you ask Nora?” 

“If I ask Nora about her opinion on a musical halfway through rush hour I will lose my job. Get something better to do.” 

“Alright, thanks for your help, get me a chai ice tea, bye, love you,” he hung up for Paul before shoving his phone back into Paul’s hands. 

The taller man fumbled with his phone, a bit speechless that Ted had just ended that call for him. “What? What was that about?” 

“Do me a favour and get Emma to ask her boss for her opinion when you go pick up your coffee, okay?” He clapped Paul on the back before walking away. So far, he had Alice, Melissa, Emma and Zoey on his side, it was three to five. He would get Charlotte’s opinion just for good measure as he gave the news to Bill. 

“Hey, Bill. I’ve asked around, only Mr Davidson agrees with you. It’s three to five.” 

“Ted, can’t you just let me do my work?” Bill moaned. “Don’t you have work to be doing too?” 

Ted shrugged. “I mean, yeah. But this is way more important. Hey Char?”

Charlotte perked up curiously, almost taken by surprise. “Yes, Ted?” 

“As a qualified cat person, you’ve got to have a good say at this, cats 2019 or the musical?” Similarly to Melissa, he hoped Charlotte would love her own cats too much to betray them by enjoying the movie. 

“Oh, I loved the movie! It was so cute!”

His own jaw dropped, and so did Bill’s.  
“Huh?”

“I think it’s so sweet all those little songs they sing! How does that fun one go?” She hummed a little tune that was unidentifiable to both of them. “You know, the one they sing all together,” she hummed another bar.

Ted shrugged, it didn’t matter. Now it was four to five. That would do. That was way too close to call it. And so he waited for Paul to return with Nora’s answer and his chai tea. 

“So what’s the verdict, Paul?” God. This better be good news. 

“Um, I’m not sure what that means, but here’s your drink, Emma says ‘never talk to me like that again,’ and Nora says ‘the movie wasn’t that bad.’”

“See, Ted? Now we’re even,” Bill tried to give a smug look, but he was never very intimidating. 

“What are you guys arguing about?” Paul asked again. 

“It’s stupid, Paul. He hasn’t left our office all morning because he can’t sleep knowing people actually liked the new cats movie.” 

Ted scoffed. No, he was not going to be beaten. Even if it was a low blow, he was going to ask Paul, the guy who didn’t like musicals. He was going to get the tie breaker if it killed him. “Paul, which one did you like more? The musical or the 2019 version?” 

“Oh!” Paul’s face reddened a touch now that everyone was looking at him. “Me?” 

“Oh you can’t ask him, Ted! Don’t bother Paul with that, he doesn’t like any musical,” Bill grumbled, mad at Ted’s pettiness.

Paul began to chuckle anxiously before brushing his hair from his face and proudly announcing: “I actually loved the movie!”

“Ugh. You’re fucking useless Paul.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Paul doesn’t like musicals but jon loves cats n sometimes u gotta compromise


	5. Chain of command

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chain of command is a funny thing at PEIP

“Colonel Schauffer, General Mcnamara wants to see you in his office,” A lieutenant poked his head into the gym. 

Schauffer soared a glance over her shoulder in between her swings at the punching bag. “What?” 

“The General wants to see you,” he repeated. 

Schauffer jumped onto her left foot to swing her right leg up to kick the punching back one last time. “Alright, affirmative. I’ll be on my way down in a second. Can you run by the canteen for me and finish the tidy up?” She added.

“Wait, what? Why’ve I got to do that?” He complained. Tidy up sucked, obviously. 

“Because the privates meant to do it were sent out on a training session by a Sergeant, now there’s no one to finish it up.” 

“Really, Colonel?” His shoulders fell. 

“Well what are you going to do about it, Lieutenant? Walk away?” She let a light chuckle ripple her words. 

“Chain of command is a bastard.”

“No it isn’t,” Schauffer threw a strong punch at the bag, rattling the chain. 

“You’re just saying that because you’re up the top, you get to pass down chores like that to us.”

She snorted. “Yeah. You don’t see me cleaning the kitchen, do you?” She let the punching bag swing for a moment. “If you don’t want to do it, pass it down to a private, Lieutenant.” 

He gave a defeated laugh. “Good advice, Colonel. Thanks,” he agreed, trudging off.

Schauffer took a refreshing sip from her water bottle before slipping her work jumper on over her training clothes. As she walked down the halls she peeled away the binding bandages on her fists.   
“Yes, General Mcnamara?” She closed his office door behind her as she entered. 

“I’m assigning you a new case,” he was standing by the cork board on his wall, examining documents when she came in. 

“Oh, thank you. What is it?”   
He turned around to fork over a thick, manila folder. It must have been packed, its weight caught Schauffer by surprise. 

“I’m putting you in charge of a witness protection problem, can you handle that?” He was being intentionally vague about something. 

“Of course. Weren’t you handling something similar already?” She asked, catching a look at his cork board. And that’s when she realised it was exactly what he was already working on. “No.” She dropped the manila folder on the table. “Is this paperwork, Mcnamara?” She was not taking his paperwork off him. 

“Get it done, Colonel,” he told her, trying to swerve past her to exit his office. 

“Are you pawning your job over to me!?” She gasped, side stepping to block his door. She was not taking this case. Oh my god, she was the private, and Mcnamara was the lieutenant passing down the chore he didn’t want to do. 

“I am not. I just have bigger jobs to attend to,” he was clearly lying. She knew it in his voice. He always ended his lies like they were questions. 

“Witness protection cases are 90% paperwork,” she pointed an incriminating finger at the manila folder. She was the bottom of the chain, she was getting the scraps. She pushed the folder back into his hands but he didn’t grab them, so Schauffer couldn’t let them go. “Why can’t you assign me a case I can put my training to use in?”

“Schauffer, as the General, my training can be used on much better cases than just paper work. So I’m trusting you to get it done!” His tone began growing increasingly quick as he dodged around her to get to the door and power walk down the hall before she could stop him. 

“General! Get back here!” She shouted out after him, but he was gone. “God,” she growled, sulking back into the office to pick up the manila folder. “Chain of command is a bastard.”


	6. Autosave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr Davidson has an important job for Charlotte and Paul

Paul took a seat in Mr Davidson’s office chair, not intending to stay long. “Wanna bet if I turn it on and off all the problems will go away?” 

Charlotte giggled. “Oh absolutely. But don’t let Mr Davidson know that.” He had called them both to his office to see if they could get his laptop to ‘stop doing what it’s doing!’ “This will be a fast fix.” He figures with twice the brains they could fix it twice as fast, because he had an online conference call to tune into soon.

“Look, he’s got a script for what to say in his call,” Paul chuckled at the screen, but neither of them laughed too hard, because they would’ve done the exact same thing. “Here, watch this.” Paul held a finger to the power button. “It’ll be a quick-“ 

Charlotte watched the colour drain from Paul’s face and his jaw hang slack. He was frozen for a second before gasping.   
“What’s wrong? Are you alright, Paul?”  
The monitor was black, but that was completely normal, what was the problem? 

“He didn’t save his work,” Paul’s voice was barely a whisper, his face painted with shock. 

Charlotte gasped. “Huh?” 

“It’s gone. He didn’t save it. The script.” He looked up at Charlotte, flying up from the chair as if to flee the scene of the crime. He looked to her, his head titling at the computer, going completely mute but begging her to take over.

Charlotte shook her head, trying to think of something. “Start it back up again, start it back up! Maybe it autosaved!” 

“Oh! Good idea!” Paul rammed his finger into the power button frantically, trying to get it working again. “Is-is he coming?” He didn’t waste time looking away from the laptop. 

“Um!” Charlotte scurried to the window. “Oh! He is! He’s coming back!” 

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Can you stall him?” Paul swatted a hand to his cheek as he tried to remember what Mr. Davidson’s password was.

“I can’t lie to him!” She shook her head. “Is it actually gone?” 

Paul shrugged, letting his mouth hang open as he droned a monotonous note. “Maybe? I need five minutes, just go tell him it isn’t ready yet!”

“He’ll be late to the conference!”

“Well he’ll find out we accidentally deleted his speech! I’ll remember his password in a second I just need time to think! Go stall!”

“No I’ll do it! You go stall him, I couldn’t lie to my boss!” She protested, shaking her hands as she checked over her shoulder. 

“Well I can’t even talk to my boss, so you go!” His hands were flying across the keyboard now. “Just two minutes, Charlotte!”

Paul was right. Charlotte might have trouble lying, but Paul was almost too nervous to look his boss in the eye let alone keep up some small talk with him. She let out a panicked mumble before closing the office door to go stop Mr Davidson by Melissa’s desk. 

“Ah! Is my computer all fixed? I’ve got a conference to attend,” he grinned. “It’s digital, isn’t that fancy?” 

“Ooh yes, Mr Davidson! Very fancy! Who’s this conference with?” She asked, dancing back and forth between her feet anxiously.

“With a new, possible client. They want us to deliver all the way to Clivesdale! Business opportunities Charlotte!”

“No way! All the way in Clivesdale? Impressive, Mr. Davidson!” She crooned, stroking his ego. “I bet Carol will be thrilled to hear that!”

“Oh do you think? I wanted to keep it a surprise, but maybe I should tell her now! You know what? I will, right after the call. How’s my computer?” 

Charlotte nodded, stepping into his path so he couldn’t walk ahead. “It’s all fine! Paul’s just finishing off the last little bit now. Uh, did you want me to make you some coffee, Mr Davidson?” She tried not to let her voice shake. 

“That’s great, Charlotte. Why don’t you bring that over to my office?” He beckoned her to walk with him. “A success coffee!”

“Mr Davidson! Just give Paul a second! He just needs to make sure everything is working. No need to worry.”

Mr Davidson raised an eyebrow. “Oh no. Was my laptop really that broken? I thought you computer guys could fix anything.”

“We can fix most things!” Charlotte insisted hopefully. “Your computer is fine! N-nothing’s happened to it! We just-“ she glanced through the office window to see Paul still working away. “We just need one more moment.” 

“Well if everything’s okay then can’t I get back to my office? I need to call my client on time to make a good impression! I even wrote out a script! It’s very important!” He put one hand on his hip. 

“Oooh,” Charlotte gulped. That made her sick. Paul better be able to find that script in the autosave data. Why was he still in there? He was taking too long. “I’m sure Paul is just finishing up now.”

“Well what’s taking you two so long? If I knew you two wouldn’t get it done in time I would’ve called Bill up, too!” He groused, stepping around Charlotte to march off to his laptop. “I’ve got an important client, Charlotte!” 

“Yes, Yes, I know, Sorry! It’s just-“ what could she say? What could she do? What would distract him long enough? Just a minute more. “Oh my goodness!” She gasped. “Mr Davidson, look! Carol’s at reception for you!” 

“Huh?” He stopped, turning around. “Oh, has she come to surprise me! She’s so thoughtful like that!” He turned around without even stopping to fact check, hurrying back to the front doors. 

Charlotte bolted swiftly back to the office door. “Paul! How is it coming along?” 

“I got his! His password was Carol’s birthday, that’s right!” 

“Oh thank God,” Charlotte almost whimpered. “So you’re in? Can you find it?”

“Ummm,” his eyes were hyper focused on the screen for a moment, the only sound being the clacking of the keyboard as he typed. “Got it! It’s fine! It’s all there!”

“Oh my goodness, Paul! You’re going to give me a heart attack, come on! Let’s get out of here!”

“Charlotte!” Came Mr Davidson’s very upset voice. “Carol wasn’t there at all! I can believe you would lie like that!”

She held up her hands, not even able to defend herself. She wanted Paul to say something but he was dead silent too. 

“You would be in so much trouble if I didn’t have a very important client to see to! Now, you two get out of my office!”

Paul and Charlotte skunked out of the office, guilt heavy in their steps. “Did you get it?” Charlotte mumbled, feeling like she had just been slapped in the face.

Paul swallowed, looked just as shaken up himself. “I got it,” he promised. “He’ll never notice.”

“Good, good,” Charlotte nodded. Her legs felt weak. Her eyes were watery. She hated getting in trouble. 

“Hey Charlotte?” Maybe it was because they had both been scared within an inch of their lives, maybe it was because Paul was sorry, but he took her hand to hold it as they walked, and she didn’t complain.

“Yes, Paul?”

“I’ll take the bullet for you next time.”


	7. Check the back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If customers really insist Lex should check the back, then she should. 
> 
> /no Black Friday spoilers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can u tell I hate my job

“Check the back,” Lex put on a mocking voice as she swung open the doors to the stock room again. “Jeez.” Usually, customers never gave her a rest, but if Sherman was so insistent that she check the back room again ‘just in case’ then Lex wouldn’t deny him that. 

If he wanted her to go to the back room so badly she wouldn’t argue. She pulled out her phone and sat down on a stack of boxes, breathing out a sigh of relief. 

How could anyone blame her if it was a customer request? The customers in line behind Sherman couldn’t hold her accountable for his actions. Maybe she should serve Sherman more often, she though as she sent a meme to Ethan with a snort. 

It was a dumb photo of a frog driving a toy car, the colours and framing altered on a content-aware scale to make the photo suck in at the middle. 

‘Oh shit, frog learnt how 2 drive. He do be abiding by road safety laws tho’ it read in thick white letters, the only caption being ‘imma outta here bastards.’

‘thats us going too cal’ she added. ‘:)’ 

‘*to’ Ethan corrected ‘dumbass’

‘No u >:(‘ she typed back

‘<3’

‘Ur gross’ 

“Alexandra!” Came Frank’s sharp voice as he swung open the doors to the back room. “What are you doing back here! There’s a customer waiting for you!” 

Lex hopped down off the box she was sitting on, shoving her phone into her pocket. “Sorry! I was just-!”

“Get back out there! You’ve got a line!” He scowled, storming up to her. “You aren’t on break! I hope you know this is coming out of your pay check. How long have you been back here?”

Lex tucked her hands into her pockets, it wouldn’t be worth lying when the stock room had security cameras. “A while,” she mumbled. 

“You left the counter completely unattended! There is a lovely old man down there wondering where you are!” He pointed, his teeth clenched as he prepared to give Lex the scolding of a lifetime. 

Lex played nervously with the switch of her box cutter, sliding it up and down and listening to the clicks. She didn’t want the money to come out of her pay check. “Yeah. That’s uh, Sherman.” 

“Mr Young?” Frank seemed to recognise the name. 

She nodded, a wave of dread and boredom shivering down her bones. “He’s buying all the new my little pony sets, but he wants the special one with the glitter horse or like, something like that.” 

“So then why doesn’t he have the glitter horse, Alexandra?” He raised an eyebrow, his tone patronising. He was basically salivating at the idea of a sale that big. 

Lex closed her eyes for a second as she looked down so she could roll them. “Because we don’t have the glitter horses, Frank. We’re all sold out.” 

“So what are you doing hiding back here instead of helping him!?” Frank raised his voice in utter disbelief. 

Lex wasn’t a bad employee, she knew the value of hard work and if she was on the clock she was going to do her job. But her motive was hard to explain, she didn’t think Frank would get it. He was a textbook capitalist, he didn’t care whether Sherman got those ponies or not, he just wanted money to be made. And if she was back here on her phone it meant a very expensive sale was not being put through. But god, she needed that money. “I wasn’t slacking, Frank. Sherman asked me to check the back room, and we don’t have any of those sparkle ponies back here.” 

“Then why don’t you go up front and tell him that, Alexandra? Do you have a brain in that thick skull of yours?” He was incredulous.

“Well, I did,” Lex huffed. “I told him we didn’t have any up here and he asked me to check again. So here I am, making him think I’m doing a thorough check so he leaves as a satisfied customer. Isn’t that right?”

That must’ve been a score, because Frank loosened his shoulders and sighed. 

“‘Caus you know, we wouldn’t want such a high spending customer thinking we were hiding the ponies from him! Right?”

There seemed to be a break in Frank’s grimace, like maybe, somewhere underneath all that greed and capitalism, he may have been a normal retail worker once too. Lex couldn’t even imagine it. 

“Well,” he sniffed, giving her one last look to warn her not to mess around back here. “Don’t spend too long back here then.”


End file.
